Britain’s most expensive homes review – a comedy of inane estate agents | TV & radio

HAfter debuting with a single episode between Christmas and New Years 12 months ago, Britain’s most expensive homes (channel 4) are back – suggesting they will become a holiday staple. annuals, such as the Royal Institution Christmas conferences or World’s Strongest Men. Come on, children! Let’s come together and get an update on the luxury real estate market! God bless us all!

The show offers joy, in a way. Because if you thought that selling the most expensive gaffs in the country would require an intimidating and knowledgeable team of salespeople, Britain’s most expensive houses are here to put your mind at ease. At the top of the realtor industry are … just more realtors.

This time around, broker Shereen and her enthusiastic new protégé Leena join the cast. Can they find a tampon for Harley Street beautician Anastasia who wants some outdoor space and a short commute? Their first thought is an unusual apartment currently owned by a famous actor, in “the iconic” – as Arabella Weir’s narration insists on calling it – St Pancras Chambers. But Leena’s preparation lets her down. This rainbow mural was painted by a friend of the owner, who is a… magician? Director, Shereen gently corrects her. Wood for kitchen units was saved from a thunderstorm in … the 1600s? Shereen steps in again: it was 1987. Pretty close.

Shereen is the brains of the duo, but even she fails to see him appear confidently in front of a documentary camera with the words “Anastasia was blown away by the apartment… we will definitely get an offer!” Is perhaps not wise. Cut straight to Anastasia explaining that this two bedroom apartment looks a bit laughable for £ 4.6million, so that’s a no.

Meanwhile, on the LlÅ·n Peninsula near Caernarfon, Guy, managing director of UK Sotheby’s International Realty, the company that has renewed its baffling decision to let cameras monitor its staff – is trying to convince a developer called Gary to invest in Plas Glynllifon, a 102- bedroom, Grade I listed mansion in need of a major renovation. Gary, like many potential buyers during a pandemic, cannot visit the property in person. He needs a virtual tour. Surely Sotheby’s had a swish video filmed by leading cinematic artisans? No, it’s Guy on his iPhone, grappling with the stubbornly elusive 4G signal from North Wales. Halfway through his third attempt to tell Gary how big the place is – “It’s 110,000! Square feet! – Guy loses reception.

Absent buyers are also a problem for agents selling a £ 30million country mansion near Windsor, with its modern interior (everything is gray or light caramel), a cantilevered kitchen island from seven meters and stables large enough to accommodate a moderately successful polo team. “First impressions are really pretty… impressive, let’s put it that way,” says veteran salesperson John, smoothly echoing the dazzling rhetoric we heard from him a year ago.

So who is going to buy it? John’s colleague, Mary, is there on behalf of his contact, a Franco-Moroccan socialite by the name of Boubakar. Mary met Boubakar in Dubai, cultivated the relationship for years and knows what Boubakar wants, so she is immediately wowed by the first floor office with its majestic view over Berkshire. “He loves looking at open spaces,” she says, adding that Boubakar is not one of those multimillionaires who prefers a terraced house with a view of No26’s wheelie bins.

Not content with consistently presenting Sotheby’s staff in a comedic and unflattering light, Britain’s most expensive houses continue their insidious class war by failing to even offer them the consolation of a satisfying ending: the three stories s ‘turn off after an hour. The legendary Boubakar fails to make it to Britain for a visit and misses the Berkshire Mansion, meaning no commission for John and Mary. Guy finds a game of bags of money that can afford to turn Plas Glynllifon into a seven-star hotel: none other than Kam Babaee, who earlier this year hosted the Channel 5 cameras in his own Mayfair home for an episode of Posh Sleepover by Sally Lindsay. Kam flamboyantly announces that he will make an offer, but not at what price, which seems to be some pretty crucial missing information.

Shereen and Leena, meanwhile, end up selling Anastasia an off-plan apartment in the desecrated shell of the Battersea power station, which Weir – perhaps just sarcastic at this point – confirms as “iconic.” Anastasia is passionate about the idea of ​​the riverside as an exclusive enclave, where owners of multi-million pound apartments live in expensive isolation. We don’t seem to be lacking much.

Karl M. Bailey